20 Eating Disorder Recovery Experiences that are Challenging, Yet Common: Validation for the Everyday Challenges You May Face in Recovery
The last time I had strep throat, I was prescribed an antibiotic and sent on my way. Once my throat stopped hurting, I could rest assured that the medicine was doing its job– no follow-up necessary. I didn’t have to think about the recovery all that much; the medicine did most of the work for me. Now, it goes without saying that suffering from strep throat and suffering with an eating disorder are two vastly different experiences: strep throat is an acute illness, eating disorders are chronic illnesses, for one.
Recovering from them are, of course, much different, too. Throughout my eating disorder recovery, I have had to enlist every fiber of my being to join me on my healing journey. My healing has been an active choice I have to continue to make. And because there is not a set time period in which healing takes place (No “Take this antibiotic for seven days and you should be all set!”), the healing journey can be long, exhausting, overwhelming, and discouraging at times.
My own recovery journey continues to house many truths. Some contain the beauty of the journey, the benefits, the many parts of myself that I have gotten back throughout the process. And many of the harder truths are ones I didn’t anticipate before entering recovery, ones that can leave you questioning if you’re “doing it right,” or if you’re “the only one” having this experience or feeling this feeling. I can assure you, though, that if you have had any of the below experiences during recovery, you’re not alone, and you’re not “doing recovery wrong.” The challenging parts of recovery may be less talked about, but they are no less true than the beautiful and vibrant parts of your recovery journey.
20 Recovery experiences that are particularly challenging, but surprisingly common
1. Being overwhelmed at the idea of “recovery”
Recovery can feel like a huge, daunting task, especially at first. The thought of changing your habits and relationship with food and your body can be overwhelming. It’s normal to feel unsure about where to start, but remember that recovery happens one step at a time.
2.Comparing your recovery journey to someone else’s
Feeling like you are recovering “too quickly” or “too slowly” when you hear about other recovery journeys was something I struggled with. It could leave you wondering if you were “even that sick” to begin with or conversely, if you are “beyond recovery” if you feel like you are “stuck” at a certain point in your recovery journey when someone else seems to be thriving. Everyone’s recovery journey is going to look and feel different, so comparison can be a really hard habit to break, but one that is ultimately not very helpful.
3. Grieving the loss of control you felt you had when you were actively engaging in your eating disorder
Your eating disorder did serve a purpose. For some of us, there was a sense of control that you felt through engaging in eating disorder behaviors, so it makes sense to feel a loss of control when you are no longer engaging in those behaviors. You will not feel “out of control” forever, but that feeling is no less real while you are experiencing it.
4. Viewing your choice to recover as “failing”
If the thought has crossed your mind, you’re not alone. When all of your thoughts are filtered through the lens of your eating disorder for a length of time, it makes sense that recovering from your eating disorder sometimes feels like you are “letting yourself go” or “giving up” on your efforts to be “disciplined” and “healthy.” You can know these things are not true and still have to fight the thoughts and feelings they bring up.
5. Constantly fielding thoughts about returning to eating disorder behaviors
I held so closely to my eating disorder. It became a security blanket of sorts, so anytime in recovery that I wanted security or assurance, thoughts crossed my mind about returning to the behaviors I was healing from.
6. Losing your eating disorder identity
Your eating disorder can become such an integral part of who you are, how you operate, and how you interact with the world that it feels like losing one of the most important parts of you when you begin your recovery journey. This can be incredibly disorienting as you start to redefine your identity apart from your eating disorder.
7. Fearing you will never fully recover
Because the recovery process is so individualized and– at times– frustrating, disheartening even, fearing that you won’t make a full recovery is something that many of us in recovery experience. It can be hard to know what a “full recovery” even looks and feels like for each of us individually, so the ambiguity can make it hard to keep the goal in sight.
8. Guilt associated with eating a certain food, even well into your recovery process
Feeling guilt after eating can happen at any point in your recovery journey, sometimes unexpectedly. I would have several days where I was feeling okay about eating some of the foods I had previously restricted from, and then I would have days where that same food sent me into a bit of a mental battle.
9. Constantly wondering if you’re doing the right thing by picking recovery
On top of sometimes wanting to use eating disorder behaviors, I would find myself wondering if recovery was even the right choice for me at all. I would have all sorts of thoughts about how I felt more mentally stable when I was sick, how I was “more attentive to my health” then, how I was “more at ease” before I entered recovery.
10. Missing a lower body weight
If losing weight was part of your eating disorder experience, you may miss your lower body weight when you begin weight restoration. There were times when I would miss the actual number on the scale. The lower it went, the more accomplished I felt.
11. Not knowing how to talk about or feeling awkward talking about food
Humans love to talk about food, especially in social settings where food is the focal point. You may find that you don’t know if, how, or when to add to these conversations for a variety of reasons: because you feel triggered when talking about it, because you still have such mixed feelings about it, because your thoughts are so different from those of the other people in the conversation. This can even create or foster some social anxiety for some of us, too.
12. Worrying that the weight gain will never end
If you are worried that the weight gain that happens during recovery will never end, you’re not alone. This can be paralyzing and can feel overwhelming as your body works to reach its set point.
13. Lack of professional support
Not everyone has access to consistent, professional help during recovery. This can make the journey feel even harder, as you may struggle without the guidance and accountability that could help equip you with tools throughout each step of the recovery process.
14. The feeling inside when someone says “you look healthier”
While people generally mean well with this comment (even though commenting on someone’s body or body size is never warranted or appropriate), it can be hard to not feel hurt by this comment when shrinking your body may have been a goal for as long as you have had your eating disorder.
15. Lack of familial/friend support
You might long for understanding and compassion from those closest to you, but feel disappointed or misunderstood when they can’t offer it in a way that feels validating or helpful to you. What’s even more challenging is when you have been praised by family or friends for your “hard work” and “discipline” and for looking “so great” when in the depths of your eating disorder, so you struggle to find comfort in the support some of these people offer.
16.Sensing others’ discomfort when they talk about their diet in front of you and then realize you’re in recovery for an eating disorder
People love to talk about their diets and food rules as much as they love to talk about food. Sometimes, conversations around dieting or food can shift awkwardly when people realize you're in recovery. Their discomfort can feel isolating and oddly embarrassing, especially when there isn’t any recognition for the awkwardness.
17. Growing out of clothes
As your body changes, growing out of clothes can be upsetting and can even feel embarrassing. Clothes that once fit may no longer feel comfortable or representative of who you are, leaving you with another part of yourself that you feel you have to recalibrate.
18. Wondering how you’ll cope with trials without your eating disorder
It’s easy to question how you’ll handle challenges without resorting to eating disorder behaviors when this has been your go-to coping mechanism. Navigating struggles without your ED can feel intimidating at best and impossible at worst. It does get easier, but I know this feeling well.
19. Feeling like you are disappearing socially as you begin to take up more space physically
As your body grows healthier, you may feel like you’re fading in social circles, unsure how to navigate relationships when your identity no longer revolves around your eating disorder or being the “tiny one.”
20. Feeling really motivated at first, but eventually finding yourself struggling with the motivation to stay in recovery
Just as the recovery journey itself is nonlinear, the motivation to recover can be a lot like that, too. It can be hard to keep moving in the direction of recovery when your motivation isn’t propelling you in that way. More on motivation in recovery here if this is particularly challenging for you.
Your Recovery Journey May Be Both Challenging and Worthwhile
If you are in recovery for an eating disorder, you may find that you have some of these experiences multiple times - in waves even. These can make recovery feel complicated, insurmountable, and can ultimately cause you to question if it’s worth it. Through the ebbs and flows of my experiences within my own recovery, I have remained anchored in the reality that a bad day or a particularly hard part of my journey does not have to be the moment by which my recovery is defined. Many truths can exist at the same time: your recovery journey can be one of the hardest things you have done, and it can be one of the most worthwhile. Even when you feel like you don’t have what it takes to keep moving forward in recovery, please know that you can move forward still, and you will—one step, one choice, one moment at a time.
By: Erika Muller, Assistant for Wildflower Therapy LLC
All images via Unsplash
How Can Wildflower Therapy in Philadelphia, PA Help You?
If you’re looking for someone to come alongside you to help you unpack and approach the the complex set of experiences and emotions that come with having and healing from an eating disorder , our therapists in Pennsylvania are honored to help! In fact, you can get to know a little bit more about them here and book a free consultation here.
Other Mental Health Services Provided by Wildflower Therapy, Philadelphia, PA
Life is a unique and sometimes messy journey for each of us; we all have our own individual battles to fight. Our therapists know there is no one-size-fits-all approach to any of life’s challenges and because of that, we offer many unique perspectives and approaches to help meet you where you are with our Philadelphia, PA Therapy services.
With this in mind, we offer services for eating disorder therapy, services for anxiety, and depression, and have practitioners who specialize in perinatal mental health , maternal mental health, therapy for college students and athletes. As well as LGBTQIA+ Affirming Therapy. Accordingly, we have something to offer just about anyone in our Philadelphia, PA office. Reaching out is often the most difficult step you can take to improve your mental health. We look forward to partnering with you on this journey!
