"Am I the Only One Who Doesn’t Love Every Second of Being a Mom?”: 10 Candid Truths About Motherhood"
“Alright, it’s 7:30; we get to brush teeth and choose your bedtime books!”
*Glances at clock* “It’s actually 7:24, and my bedtime is 7:30, so I don’t have to get up yet,” my five-year-old smirked as she laid claim on the couch in the final minutes before bedtime.
I was not in the mood for this.
Admittedly, my response to this scenario – a scenario that has become relatively frequent, might I add, as my daughter has a newfound sense of autonomy that she exercises based on her self-proclaimed *time management* skills – varies depending on the time of day, how tired I am, what kind of day it has been, and probably 14 other conscious and subconscious factors.
At the end of the day, I sometimes lack the mental fortitude for engaging in a back and forth dialogue about the technicality of time or about whether or not my daughter’s response was kind, productive, or helpful in that situation.
If you’re a mom, you can probably relate to how grueling those few hours leading up to bedtime can be.
Motherhood is Challenging(It Isn’t Just the Bedtime Hours)
And as you may also know, it’s not just the pre-bedtime hours with a toddler or school-age kid that can be hard. Motherhood – I’m learning – is challenging with kids of all ages in all stages.
Somewhere along the way to becoming a mom, society has sold us the idea that motherhood should be a constant state of bliss—that every second is a precious, full-of-joy, Instagram-worthy moment. But, can we be real for a moment? Not every moment is beautiful. The sleepless nights, the tantrums, the juggling of work, household duties, parenting, and trying to maintain hobbies and some semblance of a social life can leave you feeling like you’re being pulled in several directions, constantly pivoting to tend to each role, all while running on fumes.
And then, you open up Instagram to mindlessly scroll and dissociate for a few minutes, only to see 7 posts from friends and acquaintances claiming that “There is nowhere in the world I would rather be” (next to a picture of a mom nuzzling her little), “I didn’t know who I was before becoming a mother. It truly is my greatest joy," or "Soaking in every single second with these littles,” or “I cannot even imagine my life without being a mom; I am so incredibly blessed.”
Now, all of the sudden, you are feeling guilty for having a day where you are not enjoying every single second, not feeling eager to “soak in every second,” or where you find yourself actually missing who you were before being a mom. You may start thinking that something is wrong with you for feeling the way that you are feeling, that Instagram-Izzy (no hate to any Izzies out there, I couldn’t miss the alliteration opportunity) must be a much better mom than you are.
And now you’re spiraling:
What if you never feel fully fulfilled in your role as a mother? What if you fail your kids because you can’t be as present and fun and full of joy as some of these other moms out there? What would other people even think about you if they knew that, not only were you not soaking in every.single.second with your kids, but that you actually were fantasizing about a few nights away, and that you would actually settle for a few extra minutes of silence in the car when you get home from the grocery store because it is the only time you have been able to hear yourself think in the past three days? What if you simply weren’t cut out for motherhood?
And now, here I am – admitting that, not only is motherhood hard, but it isn’t always enjoyable. I do often think about who I was before kids, if and how she still fits into who I am today. I grieve some of the freedoms I had before having kids. And I’m learning that these things can be true while also still being a good, present, and loving mom.
Here are 10 truths About Motherhood to Hang Onto (that you probably won’t find in a caption on someone’s social media post):
You can love your kid(s) fiercely and not love every second of motherhood.
And not loving every part of motherhood does not take away from your love for your kid(s)
People can say anything on social media. Instagram and Facebook posts that gush about how much someone loves motherhood are sweet, but they are very small segments of that person’s journey; remember not to compare your whole internal and external world to someone else’s carefully constructed highlight reel
Wearing yourself so thin with mom things that you feel like you can’t function is not a badge of honor – It’s more than okay to relax and take time for and to yourself
You are not failing your child because you aren’t enjoying every second of parenting
Admitting that you don’t always LOVE motherhood is not admitting that you are a bad mom; it is admitting that you are human.
Comments like “Remember that you’ll miss this one day” from other people in response to hard moments and days are usually entirely unhelpful. Don’t let these comments trivialize your hard moments or make you feel like you’re “missing out” on the what *should be* 18+ years of inexplicable joy during your kid’s childhood
It’s normal – expected, even – to miss parts of your pre-parent self. This does not make you any less of a mom.
It’s okay that you don’t have a *super fun* activity planned for your kids today; days at home with some screen time so you can take a mental and physical breather are nothing to feel bad about.
It is okay to want to be able to fill other roles outside of being a mom – wanting to work, invest in friendships, try new hobbies, have new career and education goals. There is nothing wrong with you if you don’t experience total fulfillment from your role as a mom.
Am I the Only One Who Struggles to Enjoy Parts of Motherhood?
What makes the journey of motherhood even harder is the silence that surrounds some of these feelings. There can be a lot of posturing in motherhood, especially on social media. So many moms struggle in secret because they feel like they’re the only ones who aren’t enjoying every moment. In reality, most moms feel this way at some point or another—they’re just not talking about it.
Being honest about the hard parts of motherhood gives ourselves permission to feel those emotions, and it opens the door for other moms to share their motherhood journeys, their questions, their insecurities, their experiences. This can create a sense of community, understanding, and belonging – things that I think we can all use more of as moms.
So, if you find yourself struggling to find enjoyment and joy in parts of your motherhood journey, I am here to tell you – mom to mom – that you are not at all alone. And that you are a great mom, even in those moments where, no matter how many “Motherhood is so amazing!” social media posts you read and no matter how much you try to will yourself to feel joy, you find yourself overcome with frustration, loneliness, or exhaustion. I see you, and I am in the thick of it with you. So, here’s to embracing all parts of motherhood without shame: the easy, the hard, the moments and days that are full of joy, and also the ones that aren’t.
By: Erika Muller, Assistant for Wildflower Therapy LLC
All images via Unsplash
How Can Wildflower Therapy in Philadelphia, PA Help You?
If you’re looking for someone to come alongside you to help you unpack and approach the the complex set of experiences and emotions that come with motherhood , our therapists in Pennsylvania are honored to help! In fact, you can get to know a little bit more about them here and book a free consultation here.
Other Mental Health Services Provided by Wildflower Therapy, Philadelphia, PA
Life is a unique and sometimes messy journey for each of us; we all have our own individual battles to fight. Our therapists know there is no one-size-fits-all approach to any of life’s challenges and because of that, we offer many unique perspectives and approaches to help meet you where you are with our Philadelphia, PA Therapy services.
With this in mind, we offer services for eating disorder therapy, services for anxiety, and depression, and have practitioners who specialize in perinatal mental health , maternal mental health, therapy for college students and athletes. As well as LGBTQIA+ Affirming Therapy. Accordingly, we have something to offer just about anyone in our Philadelphia, PA office. Reaching out is often the most difficult step you can take to improve your mental health. We look forward to partnering with you on this journey!
